I Propose A Way to Fix Our Election System

Greetings, readers, and congratulations on being quite nearly done with this election year… at least until November 9^th wherein your guy or gal was either elected or not and you can proceed with American Presidential Election Phase Two: Gloating or Glowering ™. By what can only be a measure of proof in the grace of God Almighty, APEPT:GoG coincides directly with our major drinking holidays, the ones that everyone pretends are celebrations of familial love and goodwill towards our fellow man. The side effect of this mass deception means when your racist uncle or bleeding heart cousin starts to wax all political like about, say, the scourges of “Ay-rab” immigrants or the necessity of “safe spaces” for asexual, trans-racial ferret enthusiasts on university campuses, you get to shotgun mulled wine and/or brandy like it’s going out of style in order to numb your head to their incessant yammering, bickering and/or gloating. Then you get some more pie.

In my previous electoral think-piece in 2012, I noted a few things worth mention here, paramount among them that moving to Brazil rather than Canada to escape the President Elect one did not (fruitlessly, because you don’t live in a state that’s only relevant once every four years) cast a vote for was the superior choice due to the attractiveness of its people and general party atmosphere. Well, I would like to officially change my mind on this issue: I would now choose to seek shelter in the islands off the coast of Belize. You got the awesome climate, fewer annoying white people in Speedos, minimal hurricane activity and you never hear about horrible things happening there that don’t involve John McAfee. The Olympics’ glaring media spotlight on truly screwed-up Brazil has made me hesitant to commit to a lifetime of capirihinas and thong bikinis. I’ll just have to visit while the dollar is still strong.

Another thing I brought up in the 2012 post was relief that my guy won, primarily due to my ardent belief in the necessity of the separation of church and state. This year, by choosing to author this prior to the election and after I already sent in my absentee ballot, I have done what I can to divorce my own take on APEPT:GoG from creeping into this rant.

The primary message that I want to submit to you, Reader, is the following multi-point plan to make our election years more tolerable:

The Republican and Democratic National Conventions should happen simultaneously and be broadcast on different TV channels (so you can just pick whatever one you want to watch should you tire of endless and unfunny Big Bang Theory reruns);
The election should take place the day after said conventions are over.

Here’s why: the current system of months of debates and campaigning by both sides does absolutely nothing to help people decide who they are voting for. Everyone knows who they are voting for once the conventions happen. Most were decided well beforehand and even had a number two in mind should their preferred, plucky, Washington-outsider candidate fall victim to the cold sword of reality.

Only a small group of outliers - who are at least in one recent occasion proven to be creepy weirdos with penchants for red sweaters - are undecided by the conventions. This lack of decision-making ability on their behalf does not justify the 24 hour nonstop cycle of partisan news coverage that is arguably the primary reason that otherwise well-adjusted people seriously consider walking into traffic from late July to November 8^th.

We must de-power the pundits. We must deflate the desire of otherwise sane people to author batshit crazy op-eds about why we should ignore irrefutable evidence of a certain candidate being terrible. And we must not have to suffer through any more “fun” Trump or Hillary Halloween costumes. If you wore one of those this week, you should be imprisoned.

(authored towards the end of the 2016 presidential election cataclysm)