On Guns/The Holidays

We made it through the holidays, folks!

And let us all make sure we give a hearty thanks to alcohol for its divine guidance during such a trying season. I will now go over some of the highlights of the season...

Hmm, well, I went to Hawaii and that was an awesome trip. Had a nice Christmas, but honestly, it was all kind of a blur from Thanksgiving through NYE. Why? Because I am aging and I drink. You really shouldn’t need any more explanation than that, unless you are under the age of 25 and if you are, do whatever you can to stay there. But also, please shut up on Twitter with the inspirational quotes. ‘Kay? Thanks.

Some horror was in the news: a raging psycho walked into an elementary school with an AR-15, some semi-auto handguns and killed scores of children and teachers. Our collective national outrage was just and long overdue. And because of it, I’m relatively certain that assault weapons will probably be banned. And while this is a hot-button issue for most people, I would like to throw my two cents into the ring about it:

Cent #1: I get it. Assault rifles are cool. So are handguns. But let’s not mistake the idea that just because something is “cool” that you need one. For instance, I happen to think the bazooka is the coolest kind of gun, and were I to have one, no Humvee driver on the roadway would be safe - because one cannot see around those giant, box-shaped penis-enhancers from any less than about 300 feet behind. This makes my blood boil. If I had ready access to a bazooka, I would most likely use one, and your white, suburban trophy wife would be all soot-covered in a smoldering wreck like in a Roadrunner cartoon. Know what else I think are cool, jet fighters (you don’t get one), tanks (you don’t get one), missiles (you don’t get one), grenades (you don’t get one), rocket launchers (you don’t get one), anti-personnel mines (you don’t get one), flame throwers (you don’t get one), Howitzer cannons (you don’t get one), battleships (you don’t get one), the A-10 warthog with that depleted uranium 20MM cannon on the front that sounds like it’s making a big fart noise when it fires (you don’t get one), the Apache attack helicopter (you don’t get one), and Delta Force (they aren’t available for hire).

Cent #2: If you want to have access to those things I mentioned above, we have careers that you can have in the various armed forces wherein one would be able to fly an A-10 or shoot missiles at stuff. Hell, my buddy at USMA Westpoint sent me photos from his first few weeks last summer firing a bazooka and I was very jealous. As a matter of fact, being in the armed forces also is the rare exception to the Humvee rule, and when painted all desert-cammo and when occupied by Marine Force Recon or the like, they become also very cool – unlike when they are yellow and there’s a blonde with orange skin gabbing away on her cellular phone driving ten miles per hour under the speed limit and rapidly increasing the gradual warming of our planet.

This is not to say that I think all guns should be outlawed. Hunter? Rifle it up, Jethro! Assassin for the mob? Get a revolver – they don’t leave any shell casings. Home defense? Shotguns are a good choice. Anyone who isn’t running by the sound of racking in a shell to the tube of a Remington 870 loaded with .00 buck is probably deaf.

Then again, a well-trained pitbull, rottie, or germy would probably be a much safer thing to have around the home and you can snuggle with them after they rip apart the annoying neighbor who dared jump the fence into the back yard to borrow your patio furniture. But some people are allergic to dogs and few are allergic to shotguns. However, I do remember the one and only time my mom fired my step-dad’s shotgun and then immediately threw it like it was a snake trying to bite her.

She is not to be relied upon in a firefight, Mom’s Boyfriend Steve!

Additionally I recognize that guns are part of our culture. We aren’t going to get rid of them anytime soon. But so far we have overthrown zero tyrants with our prolific weaponry. Conversely, legally owned guns have done a great job enabling madmen to slaughter our sons and daughters. There are laws about wearing helmets, seatbelts, school lunch programs, pollution, drugs, fire extinguishers, defibrillators, goddamn Lawn Darts, etc.

So let’s say, for argument’s sake, that semi-auto pistols and assault rifles were banned, like in the fascist hellholes of the UK and Australia. Let’s take it a step further and say that, though you are a huge gun fan/collector, you don’t want to be a police officer wherein you can carry one 24/7 if you want and all of your pants have that annoying wear mark from the holster and your back hurts a lot and you always have to wear a damn belt, which is weird if you like to wear shorts. Let’s say a ban as described above happened and then only outlaws could get handguns and semi-auto rifles.

Well, I’m about to blow your minds. Know that crazy narco-terrorism in Mexico? It turns out that, oops, a large percentage of those weapons come from the US. Many crime guns are stolen from law abiding citizens during auto and home break-ins. So, was such a ban to be in place, it seems that there would be fewer guns for these dreaded outlaws to get their grubby hands on.

But don’t listen to me. Listen to these guys. They are right about pretty much everything.

Totally off topic, no, I am not seeing The Hobbit. There was one Hobbit book. There were not three of them. I could probably read the book in less time than it would take to watch the first movie.  Peter Jackson, you have completely lost your mind. Peter Jackson is another reason why I can’t own a bazooka.

(authored after what was our deadliest mass shooting in 2013)

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