I Saw Batman V Superman and I Hate Myself, and the World
I never should have gone.
I don’t even want to write this review and I never did.
Kahlil, while a very talented artist who possesses and impressive repository of
nerd knowledge, is a damn Judas. He can go to hell.
Why don’t I want to be writing this, you ask? Because coming
up with something to say about this flaming garbage pile of a “blockbuster”
that hasn’t already been said by one of the hundreds of critics who have panned
it is extremely difficult. It is this difficulty that makes me have to really
think about specific parts of the movie that I disliked as opposed to just
saying, “Wow, that sucked just as much as I predicted on the exact moment I
heard Zack Snyder was gonna direct it,” and devoting this valuable writing time
to finishing my novel.
But here we are, aren’t we, Judas?
So follow along, dear reader, as I discuss Six Things That I Specifically Hated About
Batman V Superman, Ones Which I Am Pretty Sure Nobody Else Has Addressed, And
If They Already Did Do Not Tell Me Because I Am Not Gonna Change Anything.
This is the final draft.
(Yes, I chose six points because there are six members of
the Justice League in the Zack Snyder Universe of Hopelessness and Despair.
I’ll talk more about them when Kahlil convinces me to see that disaster in two
years.)
Point 1: The Statue
is Dumb
Guess what? There is a giant, stone statue of Superman in
Metropolis. Surprising, right?
At face value, this doesn’t seem that egregious, that is
until we remember that in Man of Steel
Superman basically destroyed the entire city and killed thousands of people in
his penis-measuring contest with Zod, one that could easily have been relocated
to, say, a few thousand feet above the Metropolis skyline or, better yet, somewhere
not directly over a major city filled with people who ARE NOT made of steel.
So, I’m guessing a large amount of Metropolis residents
thought Superman was around 50% responsible for the destruction of the greater
downtown area. And then eighteen goddamn months later the city council dipped
into the general fund to build a multi-million dollar statue of a guy many
registered voters believed to be the spaceman version of the 9/11 hijackers? ONLY
IN SAN FRANCISCO WOULD THIS HAPPEN, Zack. You can’t fool us.
Point 2: Superman Is
a Moron
Superman spends pretty much all of this movie being a dour
and lifeless dipshit incapable of thinking for one moment before acting on an
impulse that is in dire need of a few more seconds of thought. I would point to
his decision to haphazardly handle a kryptonite spear when other super-powered
beings more qualified to play with pointy objects are readily available, but
that’s been covered plenty. Or I could ask why a man who can see through walls
feels compelled to follow Bruce Wayne on foot to bust him stealing data from
Mark Zuckerb... err, Lex Luthor… when he could just look through the floor. Not
gonna bother though. How about that time when he flattens a terrorist into what
I presume to be a chunky, red paste while tackling him through a cinder block
wall? Nah. Not that.
Here’s your proof, it is all you need, and Kahlil came up
with it - though I debated not giving him credit… because Judas and all. But I
did. Anyhow, Superman gets into a bathtub with his naked girlfriend wearing all
his clothing, presumably to bone, in defiance of all that is proper when one lives
in an apartment building and has downstairs neighbors. Also, have you ever
tried to take off shoes and wet jeans in a bathtub?
No?
Good, I guess you aren’t as dumb as Superman.
Point 3: Batman Is
Bad At Hiding
A quick poll! Would any of you notice if there was a
blinking device that made a beeping noise on the back of your car?
Yes?
Would you notice a 6’+ man in a scary demon suit hanging out
in the corner of a room that’s free of furniture, curtains, those old-timey
screen things ladies used to change behind, etc?
Yes?
Okay, congrats, Batman will never be able to follow you with
his tracking devices. He will, however, shoot you with depleted uranium
mini-gun rounds if you point a gun at his armored airplane.
Point 4: Batman Is a
Rotten Detective
I know what you are thinking. You are about to exclaim, “But
isn’t Batman the World’s Greatest
Detective?” I certainly would do so, were I to not know the cold truth of
the matter.
See, the greatest detectives in the world – hell, even just
ones that are reasonably competent – all would figure out that Clark Kent was
Superman pretty early on because, well, they look identical and… uh… I guess
that’s all you really need to crack the case now that I think about it. DNA
evidence would help in the trial phase for some Wow Factor with the jury. Not necessary for the ID, though. Clark
is clearly Superman if you know both of them and are reluctant to fall for
simple charades, as one would assume a storied detective would be.
However, Batman apparently does not piece this shit
together. Or, if he does, he apparently has no other questions as to how a
god-like harbinger of destruction took up residence in the city that’s right
next door to the one he champions.
We are led early on in the flick to think Batman is wise to
Clark’s alter ego, but then at the penultimate moment of the film when Batman
is about to plunge a spear into Superdumbshit’s chest a la the Red Viper of
Dorn V The Mountain, Batman does not know that his mom and Clark’s mom have the
same first name - which is literally all it takes for them to become pals and
let bygones be bygones even if one of those bygones is a whole lot of voluntary
and/or involuntary homicide (depending on the “hero” in question).
Point 5: The Movie
Has Four Acts, and That Isn’t How Action Movies Work
ACT 1 (the set-up)
Superman
I am Superdumb and everyone has different
opinions of my ham-fisted attempts to do good. I don’t like it!
Batman
I am Insane Rich Crossfit Guy and I am pissed
that Superdouche leveled the city that’s across the bay from the one I like to
murder people in.
ACT 2 (the
confrontation)
The
devious Lex ZuckerbLUTHOR (sorry, I keep doing that) emerges as the true
villain all the while the handsome Dummy and psycho Night Stalker talk tough to
one another.
ACT 3 (the resolution)
The
two titans finally battle for like ten minutes. (Wait isn’t that the whole
premise of the movie…? Why didn’t that go on longer?) And then they are friends
because both of them - well, one still does OOH BUUUURN LOL - have moms named
Martha. They high five.
ACT 4 (WTF?)
Superman,
Batman and Wonder Woman fight a giant gorilla, one born in an egg sack, like a
baby spider, and it lasts approximately thirty-seven, mind-numbing hours.
And now is a good time for you to watch Kevin Smith, the
moderately successful screenwriter, actor and director, talk about his
experience attempting to make a Superman movie for Warner Brothers in the
Nineties with an insane producer by the name of Jon Peters. Trust me, it’s
worth watching. Enjoy.
For the impatient, Jon Peters insisted the following three
things be core tenets of the movie. These were his lines in the sand for what
was to be Nicholas Cage’s portrayal of Superman…
1.
He can’t fly.
2.
He can’t wear the suit. (“Too faggy” is how he put it.
Real nice, dude.)
3.
He has to fight a giant spider in the final act.
Though Superman flies in this flick, the last two points
were pretty much in keeping with Peters’ vision. Superman’s suit looks like it
was made of dragon scales and casts dark shadows rather than hopeful, radiant
light. Doomsday, the giant gorilla I talked about earlier, being in the movie
feels totally clunky and superfluous. This plotline, one that in the comics
results in the (temporary) death of Superman at the hands of Doomsday, is one
that should have been reserved for its own movie. That is to say, if I was a
studio exec and wanted to make as much money as possible, that’s what I would
do, but Warner Brothers is apparently controlled by eight year olds with A.D.D.
and an unlimited supply of cocaine so I don’t even know why I brought it up.
Point 6: The Moral of
the Story…
… is that no matter what amount of good you do in the world,
someone will always be a hater so you might as well just leave a trail of
destruction in your wake. Because trying to adhere to morally correct
principles is hard.
Just give up. Don’t bother. There’s no hope.
At least until a really attractive woman shows up in a short
skirt and then try to be good again. I’m pretty sure she won’t mind all the
indiscriminate and terrible murdering you did earlier.
(authored 2016)
(authored 2016)
