(Un)Amazing Spider Man

It’s that time again, time for Ol’ Danny Boy to lambast yet another movie sequel. Before you get all butt-hurt, I am aware that you are:

A.) Probably done to death with me crapping on the successive installments of major summer blockbusters, and;

B.) Completely done to death with me crapping on the successive installments of major summer blockbusters.

But I don’t really care; you don’t have to read this. Nobody put a gun to your head and was all, READ THIS STUPID DUDE’S WEBSITE OR YOU GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY! But first get nude… *then it gets really weird… 

So, that said. Kevin and I went and saw Amazing Spiderman 2. I’m gonna forgo making up cute sequel names like I did for 300: Again, But With Boats. Instead I am just going to note that the movie has already been dismantled by many critics as having an overly complicated script with too many villains. Also I’ve previously read that the flick’s best parts are those that take place between Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone as a young couple in love despite extraordinary circumstances. (You see, Peter Parker is also a superhero! Epic SPOILER.) 

All of that is true. There is zero reason to introduce The Rhino as a villain in this movie other than to use as a plot device in the end to make Peter Parker want to be Spidey again after the tragedy he feels responsible for (Shock-SPOILA!!!). And Jamie Fox’s motives for becoming Spiderman’s enemy feel very rushed (again, this is another reason not to have three villainSPOILEROONEY!). But, the movie is reasonably entertaining because Andrew and Emma totally save the narrative with their considerable chemistry, so much so that when the film comes to a head after the introduction of Villain Number Three (who is green and has a name that rhymes with Freen Schnoblin [spoiler AVOIDED!]), the filmmakers had a stellar opportunity to end their picture with a heart-breakingly stirring and gorgeous shot of Peter standing in a front of a tombstone with the Manhattan skyline behind him in the middle distance. IF the film had ended at that moment I would have forgotten and forgiven all of the other missteps the movie made up until that point and this would be a gushing rant about how perfect it turned out in the end.

But it didn’t end there. It went on for twenty more minutes. So, do yourself a favor: walk out after this scene I just described and if you don’t make it out quick enough and the next scene starts, do that thing where you put your fingers in your ears and go like, LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA and break into a full sprint. (Note: don’t forget to return your 3D glasses or the nerdy kid by the collection box will tackle you to the ground. Those dudes hate their jobs and are super angry [helpful spoiler!].)

You know what? Now is as good a time as any to talk about the blockbuster videogame Titanfall for the Xbox One. Yes, I can already feel myself on the express train to Getting Sued City, but this needs to be discussed. All I have read about this game is how amazing it is and how old people like me definitely won’t notice how horribly outclassed we are by the teenage phenoms of the multiplayer gaming world are, how the game is suited for your pro-caliber fourteen-year-old virgin and over-the-hill idiots like myself alike.

Well, SPOILER, this isn’t true. You still are going to die in seconds every time you respawn and be repeatedly sniped or otherwise assassinated at the next spawn-point by some little jerk with a gamertag of something very similar to LoadABong420.

If I ever see that kid in public, I’m going to pull his underpants over his smug, pimply head. Spoiler to you, you teenage, wedgie-magnet.

(authored 2012)